LEARNING TO LISTEN

To really, truly, deeply listen - not while we wait to speak, or while we decide whether we agree with what the other person is saying, or while we look for opportunities to say “me too!,” or while we say “mm hmmmm” and tune out to think about our to-do list or while we wait for opportunities to pounce on what the other person has said to find the ways in which it is wrong, insufficient, or inadequate?

To really, truly, deeply listen is to, as Stephen Covey has so famously said, “seek first to understand.” 

It is to listen from a place of curiosity.

It is to listen from a place of seeking to learn, to gain clarity, to allow ourselves to be surprised and perhaps even delighted by what emerges from the other person’s mouth. To set aside our assumptions and preconceived notions about what we think the other person is going to say and what we think the person intends with their words - and instead, to allow ourselves to actually find out. 

To do this, we need to practice three key things.

PRESENCE

First - we need to be present. We need to set aside distractions and devices and the voices in our head and get present to the person who is before us. While we tend to blame distractions on other people, research has found that most of us are more distracted by ourselves than we are by other people.

We can ask ourselves:

• Am I fully present in this moment?

• What do I need to do in order to be fully present in this moment?

• Where is my awareness right now?

• If it’s drifted, how can I bring it back? 

CLEARING

Second - we need to set aside assumptions, stories, screens, and filters that we are bringing into the conversation. We need to let go of the idea that we know exactly how the conversation will go or exactly what the other person is going to say - even if we have data from the past that might shape the future. We also need to let go of the stories in our head. As most of us know, this can be particularly challenging. 

We can ask ourselves:

• What assumptions are present for me?

• How might these assumptions be getting in the way?

• What could it look like to let go of these assumptions? And what could be possible if I do?

• What is the story I’m telling myself about this person or this situation? How might that story be shaping how I interact with this person?

• What can it look like to let go of the screens and filters that I’m bringing with me to this conversation - and show up simply as myself, in this moment?

CURIOSITY

And finally, we need to listen from a place of curiosity - which means listening to the whole person, and to all of what is said, in a way that is free of judgment and stories and filtering through the natural lens that we tend to view things through that makes them all about us. 

We can do this by checking in with ourselves to consider: from which place am I listening?

SELF-FOCUSED LISTENING

Self-focused listening means listening from a place of “I.” It means relating anything we hear back to ourselves - and finding ways to put ourselves into someone else’s narrative or experience. It’s a natural way of attempting to relate. And, it has its downsides - since as you might imagine, when we filter everything through the lens of “I,” we face the possibility of missing a whole lot of what was shared. You might be in a place of self-focused listening if:

• You find yourself waiting to talk 

• You find yourself rehearsing what you want to say in your head while others are talking 

• You find yourself jumping in to say “me too!” or waiting to tell your own version of the story that someone else is sharing. 

• You use the word “I” a lot in conversations with others. 

• You find yourself giving advice, sharing opinions, telling others what  you think they should do, or sharing whether or not you agree or disagree. 

• You find yourself sharing lots of statements or declarations and asking few questions. 

FACT-FINDING LISTENING

Fact-finding listening means listening to uncover information. Facts, data, key points, important details. Many of us listen from this place frequently throughout our work day. If we are taking notes in a meeting, often we are practicing fact-finding listening in order to pull out the most important points. Fact-finding listening can be very helpful for pulling important details out of a conversation. And, the limitation of fact-finding listening is that sometimes we are so focused on the details that we forget about the person who is talking. You might be in a place of fact-finding listening if:

• You are zeroing in on the details - facts, dates, key points, important information that you want to remember or write down. 

• You can pick out key words to remember (the car was blue; the keys were on the counter; the project will launch on August 1st; we will return to the office at 50% capacity on November 1st). 

• You are more focused on the details and information being shared than the person who is sharing it. 

WHOLE-PERSON LISTENING

Whole-person listening involves listening in an expansive way. When we are listening to the whole person, we are listening to what is being said, and to what isn’t being said. We are seeking first to understand. We are “over there” with the other person, focused on what they are saying and sharing. We are attentive not only to the details and facts that are shared, but to the person behind the details and facts - meaning that we are able to pick up on nuance and emotion. Because we are “over there” with the other person instead of being “over here” in our own internal reality, it is from this place that we are able to truly practice empathy and compassion for others. You may be practicing whole-person listening if:

• You ask “what” and “how” questions. 

• You are “over there” with the other person, rather than “over here” in your own head.

• You are fully present with the person who is speaking. 

• You catch yourself if your thoughts or attention drift, and bring yourself back to the moment. 

• You are present. 

• You are curious. 

• You allow yourself to be fully present to the moment and to the person in front of you 

• You feel connected with and to the other person 

I like to think about this as a visual, where we often begin in the middle (self-focused listening) and over time can work to expand our capacity to listen until we are way out on the outer edge. This takes practice, awareness, and noticing. It requires us to self-manage and to pull ourselves back when we slip into a place of judging or assuming. It requires us to let go of all of the distractions within our heads so that we can truly be “over there,” fully present with others. 

I have been teaching this framework for the last seven years, and have heard from countless clients that it has transformed not only their professional relationships, but also their marriages and their relationships with their children. 

As Richard Moss says,

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.” 

It is not easy. And, it is worth it. 

Let’s practice together. 

For further reading related to the above concepts, see:

• Co-Active Coaching. For more, see: Co-Active Coaching. 

• Stephen Covey’s Habit #5: Seek First to Understand, and Then Be Understood. For more, see: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. 

• The Work by Byron Katie 

• Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabatt-Zinn